chaobell | (no subject)

Me at work: doot dee doo
Kitchen doorframe: *has something brown on it*
Me: wut? *investigates*
Brown thing: *is a BIG FUCKING SPIDER*
Me: CRIKEY!

I think I've mentioned before that spiders and I have a sort of treaty. They stay out of my personal space, we're good. They violate the treaty and come within three feet of me, I mash them into pulp. Especially the little motherfuckers that think it's cute to rappel down from the ceiling RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. It's a good arrangement. It's worked out very well over the years.

However, when the spider is approximately the size of my head, all bets and treaties are off and it dies on sight.

Okay, okay, not quite the size of my head, but. Anyway.

Manager Cousin: wut?
Me: OMG SPIDER
Manager Cousin: wtf?
Me: OMG SPIDER
Manager Cousin: *brings shoe* Here, kill it with this!
Me: NO *points*
Spider: *is still huge*
Manager Cousin: CRIKEY! *flees*
Aunt Boss: wut?
Manager Cousin: OMG SPIDER
Me: NEED BROOM
Aunt Boss: Want a newspaper?
Me: NO. BROOM.
Manager Cousin: OMG IT IS A BROWN RECLUSE
Spider *is not a brown recluse but is still big and ugly and a spider*
Me: *finds broom*
Spider: *is still big and ugly*
Me: *broom handle stabbity*
Spider: OMGWTF *legs flail everywhere* *is very not dead yet*
Me: BITCH YOU WANT SOME MORE? *stabbity*
Spider: X_x *falls on floor* *is still very not dead yet*
Me: *grabs fifty paper towels* *squishes spider* PWNED
Manager Cousin: YAY
Aunt Boss: What kind is it!?
Me: Well, it's kind of brown and horney and, uh, hang on, lemme see *looks in paper towel*
Spider: *is now made entirely of large quantities of sticky brown goo*
Me: *flings paper towel in trash* EW EW EW EW EW EW EW *flaps hands around*

And then we all went back to work. The end.