the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass

Samuel L. Jackson reading “Go the Fuck to Sleep” may be the funniest thing I have ever heard. Ever.

Mirrored from Fire of Unknown Origin.

That is one laid-back cat.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

According to a sheriff’s office report, Keith Edward Marriott caused “concern for his safety” when he repeatedly submerged himself and floated back to the top of the water and he was also “loud and disruptive.”

He then started throwing the sea creatures.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

No, we cannot color-match and custom dye ribbons for you. Well, I’m sorry the two shades of purple our ribbon suppliers offer don’t perfectly match the fabric swatch you brought in. Yes, I’m aware that Home Depot can match paint to your swatches. We are not Home Depot and ribbons are not paint. No, needing them tomorrow will not change the fact that we cannot color-match them and in fact makes things even more impossible, because custom ribbon orders take ten business days. Yes, they might be able to get them to you faster IF they aren’t backed up with orders from people who didn’t wait until the last minute AND you pay their exorbitant rush charge. No, they will still almost certainly not arrive tomorrow. No, they will still not color-match and custom dye them if you pay a rush charge, what part of “they don’t do that” are you not getting!?

Yes, please do feel free to leave in a huff and tell me you’re going to the other award shops in the area, all of whom use the same ribbon suppliers we do and all of whom will probably be closed for the day by the time you get there.

(actually, rude customers are so rare at this shop that I kind of enjoy it when they do show up)

In other news, and because I understand this shit is BORING AS ALL HELL to some folks but I still enjoy babbling about it, I made another blog to chronicle all my ass-movin’ adventures. If you are interested in all my nerdery related to running and cycling and other such activities, you can keep up with it over there. If you don’t give a shit, you don’t have to see it here. Everybody wins!

(oh um also guys it is time for the periodic plug of my Race for the Cure pledge page–say that three times real fast–your chump change would be greatly appreciated)

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

What, don’t even, etc.

(no, this isn’t about the “Learn To Draw” book thing, this is… something else)

(boy, is it ever “something else”)

In other, more loosely comic-related news, I played WSR table tennis against the Joker last night while the Pink Panther and random Chipmunks watched.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

As you might have heard, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford just kind of up and disappeared a few days ago. If anyone knew where he was, they weren’t saying. Even his wife was all “lol IDK w/e ¯\(O_o)/¯” when asked about this.

Well, don’t worry–he’s fine. He just fucked off to go hiking for a couple of days, is all! Along the Appalachian Trail, over Father’s Day, which just happened to be the Summer Solstice, which just happens to be the traditional Appalachian Trail Naked Hiking Day.

…

…I’ll just let you savor that mental image for a moment. Or give you a moment to stab your brain out with a spoon, whichever you need. I mean, as long as he keeps his mouth shut he’s actually not a horrible-looking dude, but… yeah. That’s… that image is not how I wanted to start my day, not really, no.

Now before someone gets their panties in a bunch, nobody is saying that the governor of South Carolina actually went for a naked hike.

They’re just saying that the governor of South Carolina happened to be on or near the trail where naked hiking happens on the very day naked hiking happens, and nobody seemed to know or be willing to divulge beforehand that the governor of South Carolina was going to be hiking on or near the trail where naked hiking happens on the day naked hiking happens.

(I’m about to get bombarded with hits from people searching Google for “naked hiking,” aren’t I)

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

Normally I can’t be bothered to make a whole post mocking any given commentspammer, and besides that I don’t want to give them the attention.

This one that just showed up in my mail is a special case:

—

New comment on your post #679 "OH GOD I CAN SEE FOREVER"
Author : cocks (IP: 35.13.49.[elided])
E-mail : [email protected]
URL    : http://cocks.cocks:8080/
Whois  : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=35.13.49.[elided]
Comment:
                          

—

In conclusion: cocks.

Also, in Maine, nine whole people showed up to protest a proposed gay marriage bill.

…nine whole people from Pennsylvania.

There were bagpipes involved, I think. I don’t know either. All I know is, BRB DYING OF LULZ.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

So I haven’t really bothered making fun of the National Organization for Marriage, otherwise known as NOM, mostly because they practically parody themselves and they do it so masterfully you really have to wonder if at any given moment they’re going to bust out Guy Fawkes masks and go LOL J/K SUP /B/.

So as you might know, they decided to name their anti-gay-marriage campaign “Two Million For Marriage”… abbreviated 2M4M.  Yeah, I know. If you are thinking that sounds like an abbreviation used in certain personal ads of which NOM would probably not approve, you’d be right.

Which is lulz-laden enough. But it gets even better. You see, NOM made one crucial error… they forgot to secure the domain name before they made that announcement.

2m4m.org is completely worksafe and made entirely of legendary win.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

Aunt Boss just came back here to tell me some breaking family news that left me weeping with laughter.

If you’re having a rough day, pause and reflect on how great it is that you are not my second cousin, who just managed to flush his own car keys down the toilet.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

I sure feel a hell of a lot better about my writing now!

I dare you to read all the way through it and not laugh once.

If you succeed, try it out loud.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.