the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass

Yes, Houston area motorists, it is time for your periodic reminder that a) there are people on the road who do not have engines and b) the law gives them every bit as much right to be there as you.

Cut because, uh, this is going to get kind of long and bitchy.

Let’s start with the basics: under Texas law, a bicycle is a vehicle and its operator has the same rights and responsibilities you do. That means yes, we can ride the damn thing in the street. 

In fact, Houston city ordinance prohibits riding on the sidewalk in a “business district–” and they don’t bother to define “business district,” so to be on the safe side, a cyclist should pretty much not ride on the sidewalk on or near any commercial property. Which rules out pretty much everything but solid residential neighborhoods. So you can take Entitled Motorist Battle Cry #1–”GET ON THE SIDEWALK–” and you can cram it.

Which leads to Entitled Motorist Battle Cry #2: “I WAS LATE TO WORK AND GOT FIRED BECAUSE I GOT STUCK BEHIND A BICYCLE, BAWWW.”

Yeah, um, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that one.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but most major thoroughfares are at least four lanes with a left-turn lane in the center. Except in exceptional traffic-clog situations (during which the bicycle chugging along at the same snail’s pace as the car in front of him/her, and the car in front of that, and the car in front of that ad nauseam is probably not what’s holding you up), there is nothing stopping you from scooting over and passing the damn bike. Even most residential streets are more than wide enough to let you pass a cyclist.

And if you are, in fact, stuck behind a cyclist and unable to pass, and this makes you so late for work as to jeopardize your career… well, you might want to start getting up five or ten minutes earlier. I’m just saying.

And then there’s Entitled Motorist Battle Cry #3: “I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.”

…yeah, actually, most of the time when you say that? You don’t. Here’s a fun pop quiz for you…

Q: You are at an intersection waiting to turn left. A bicyclist is in the oncoming lane, at the same intersection, waiting to go straight. There is no dedicated left-turn light. Who has the right of way?

A: Whoever is going straight has the right of way. It does not matter if that person is in a car, on a motorcycle, on a bicycle, on foot, on a skateboard, on roller skates, on a unicycle, on a flying broom, or hopping across the street on a damn pogo stick. The right of way does not go to you just because you have an engine and the other person doesn’t. The person who is going straight gets to go first.

Q: You are at an intersection with 4-way stop signs on it. There is already a cyclist stopped at the intersection when you get there. Who has the right of way?

A: Whoever gets to a 4-way stop intersection first has the right of way. Once again, an engine does not automatically grant you the right of way. Sit your ass behind that stop sign until the person who was there before you is out of your way.

Q: You are stopped at a plain old regular stop sign. The intersecting street has no stop sign, and there is a bicycle approaching. Who has the right of way?

A: If you have a stop sign and they don’t, they have the right of way. Now I don’t know about your particular locale, but the stop signs around here don’t have fine print on the bottom that says “unless there’s a bicycle or a pedestrian coming, then you can just roll on through.” Seriously, people, what the hell part of “STOP” do y’all not understand? It’s a very small word. Your parents probably taught it to you before you were out of diapers. Stay your ass behind that sign until the car, motorcycle, bike, or pedestrian has passed.

Q: You are coming out of a parking lot or a private driveway. There is a bicycle approaching on the street you’re about to pull into. Neither of you has a stop sign. Who has the right of way?

A: The people who are already in the road have the right of way. Once again–are you kind of seeing a pattern here?–it does not matter what they’re driving, or even if they’re not driving at all.

And my personal favorite:

Q: You are stopped at a red light, waiting to turn right. There is a bicycle in front of you waiting to go straight or a pedestrian waiting to cross the street. Is it even the least little bit okay for you to floor it when the light turns green, zip up around the cyclist or pedestrian, and cut him or her off, possibly forcing him or her to wait for the next green light if two or three assholes behind you decide to follow your example?

A: Are you fucking kidding me!? No, it’s not okay! You sit your ass down and wait the FIVE DAMN SECONDS for the cyclist to get out of your way. Why yes, as a matter of fact I have timed it, and it has never taken me more than five seconds from a dead stop to get out of your way. IF YOU SAID “YES,” GTFO THE ROAD AND STAY OFF. IF I FIND YOU I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

When in doubt, mentally replace that bicycle or pedestrian with a car. Would it have the right of way in your situation? Yes? Then YIELD, MOTHERFUCKER.

And now, a general list of things that it is really not okay for you to do when you encounter a cyclist, especially if that cyclist is not in any way obstructing you or causing you inconvenience:

• That cute little “IMMA RUNNIN OVER YOU LOL J/K” fakeout swerve, or the not-so-cute “GTFO MY ROAD” swerve. One of these days you’re not going to miss, or the cyclist is going to hit a piece of debris or a bad spot in the road at the worst possible moment. Have fun explaining that one to the cops and the cyclist’s family. Especially if you have a passenger or other witnesses that saw you swerve towards the cyclist.
• Creeping right up behind a cyclist and honking your horn. And don’t give me that shit about how you’re just making sure they know you’re there. You have this thing. It’s called an “engine.” It makes noise. I can hear yours from at least half a block away. I know you’re there. Honking at me at point-blank range isn’t going to do anything but scare the shit out of me. Of course you already know that. That’s why you’re doing it.
• Yelling insults. It’s one thing if that cyclist has done something really stupid (and I’ll get to that, oh yes I will), but just yelling shit like “HIPPIE” or “FATASS” or “FAG” at someone who has done nothing to you but exercise his or her right to use the same road as you is just not on. You wouldn’t like it if you were just minding your own business and I cruised up next to you and yelled “MORON” in your window, would you? Then don’t do it to me.
• Throwing things. I can’t believe I even have to tell you this, people. I cannot believe some of you have to be told that it is not cool to hum a drink or a piece of trash or a fucking rock at someone. Actually, that’s a little more than “not cool.” That’s “assault,” and if you do it to me you better hope you get away before I can memorize your license plate and call the cops. This also includes spitting at people, by the way.

Whether you like it or not, the law gives me the right to use the same road as you. Period. If you don’t like it, you have two options: a) shut the hell up and deal with it, or b) stop driving.

Now. If you think I’ve spewed my entire stock of H₂SO₄ at motorists and saved none back for the people who make my mode of transportation look bad…ohhhh boy.

Remember how I said the law gives us the right to use the road? Yeah, well, that also kind of includes all the responsibilities that go with using the road.

Like stop signs. Remember how I said “stop” means “fucking STOP?” Yeah? Well, guess what–that applies to you too. Now any cyclist who says he or she has never rolled through one is full of shit–myself included. Hell, if there’s nobody around, I’ll Hollywood roll through a 4-way stop sign in a residential neighborhood. But when there are other people around, you need to think about who has the right of way and who doesn’t.

Which brings me to the other side of the right of way entitlement coin. Yes, cyclists, I get that you are saving the environment and all, but no, that does not give you a “get out of yielding right of way free” card. If the car got to the 4-way stop sign first, you let the car go. If you’re turning left and the car is going straight, you let the car go. If you’re coming out of a parking lot and there’s a car on the street, you let the damn car go.

And no, you don’t get to treat motorists or pedestrians like shit just for sharing your road either. You don’t like it when they do it to you. You don’t get to do it back. That list of shit it’s not cool to do to cyclists goes both ways. I will admit to fantasizing about carrying some sort of hip holster full of lemon slices and flinging them onto peoples’ paint jobs for doing stupid shit to me, but as far as actually throwing things at other people goes, that is right out and is just not to be done, ever. Unless that motorist failed to yield the right of way and almost ran over you, or threw a half-full Dr. Pepper at you or whatever. Then it’s okay to call him a douchebag.

GET A FUCKING HELMET AND WEAR IT.

RIDE WITH THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC, NOT AGAINST IT.

IF THERE IS A BIKE LANE, USE IT. If it’s unusable due to trash and debris, CALL THE CITY AND RAISE HELL UNTIL IT IS CLEANED UP.  If there is no bike lane but there is a good shoulder, USE IT. If there is no shoulder, KEEP YOUR ASS AS CLOSE TO THE RIGHT CURB AS POSSIBLE. The sidewalk–if it is legal for you to use it at all–should be thought of as the last resort. Partly because the sidewalk is for pedestrians, not you. And partly because when motorists see bicycles on sidewalks, they get the idea that bicycles belong on sidewalks and get bitchy at ones that use the road.

KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HANDLEBARS UNLESS YOU’RE SIGNALLING A TURN. If I see you chugging down the street talking on a cell phone, eating a burger, twiddling with your iPod, or carrying a package that requires you to take one or both hands off the handlebars, I will yell at you and possibly flip you off for being a moron. That may make me a hypocrite, but at least I’m smarter than you. As for the package part, get a package carrier and a bungee cord, a backpack, some saddlebags, a basket, something to put your shit in. Yes, they look retarded. They will save your sanity and possibly your life. Yes, some businesses get all bitchy when people come in with backpacks and assume you’re there to steal shit. If they ask you politely to leave your backpack up front, do so. If they ask you rudely or demand you leave your backpack up front, politely ask to speak to their manager. If they refuse, or if they don’t even let you in, call the store when you get home and complain (politely) to the manager. If the manager gives you shit, let him or her know that store will no longer have your business. If enough people do this, sooner or later, they will cave.

Speaking of which, SIGNAL YOUR DAMN TURNS.

LIGHT YOUR ASS UP AT NIGHT. Texas law requires one white light on the front and one red reflector on the back. Me, I have the required lights plus a headlamp plus a secondary blinking red rear light plus wheel reflectors plus a reflective belt plus reflective doodads on my backpack and my helmet plus (if Dollar Tree has the big econo-packs) glowsticks. I may look retarded, but at least if a car hits me its driver won’t be able to use “I didn’t see her!” as an excuse.

DID I MENTION WEARING A DAMN HELMET?

A STANDARD BICYCLE IS A ONE-PERSON VEHICLE. Your handlebars are not a passenger seat. Neither is your package carrier. If your passenger will not fit in a bicycle-mountable baby seat and you don’t have a tandem bike, you don’t need to be hauling another person.

And finally, YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE YOU RIDE A BICYCLE. No, I hate to break it to you, but you’re really not. You may be in better physical condition, and you may have less of an impact on the environment, and you may be using less oil, and you may have more money in your pocket at the end of the week because you’re not pissing it all away on gas. But that doesn’t make you a better person than the dude in the car over there.

Special note to Critical Mass riders: guys? I get what you’re trying to do, I know your hearts are in the right places, but you are NOT. HELPING. All you’re doing is making us all look like assholes. Please stop it.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.